


Hide The Basilisk

by Gcgraywriter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry Harry, Basilisks, Come Marking, Confused Ron Weasley, F/M, Guilty Draco Malfoy, Guilty Hermione Granger, Invisibility Cloak (Harry Potter), Minor Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Past Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Past Relationship(s), Sex Games, voldemort - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23402719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gcgraywriter/pseuds/Gcgraywriter
Summary: When Harry notices some stains on his father's invisibility cloak, who can he ask about them other than his best friends? And, of course, you can guarantee that he really regrets finding out.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 26
Kudos: 88
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	Hide The Basilisk

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as an attempt at a crack fest for Hermione's Nook Facebook group in honour of the Weasley twin's birthday's on April 1st. 
> 
> It's a prompt based on Cards against Humanity. 
> 
> Thank you Sonnenflower for helping me developed the idea and for then reading it through to make sure I hit the mark.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/187009200@N02/49718698967/in/dateposted-public/)

“What the - Eurgh – fuck is this? Ronald Weasley, you get your arse up here right now!”

Neville watched from his bed as he paged through his potions book, hoping that the words would start making sense.

Harry was holding his cloak with the bearest of fingertips as he waited for Ron to appear at the door, a look of pure disgust on his face.

The offending red-head appeared at the door, red-faced and out of breath.

“Sup Harry?” He asked cautiously as he stepped into the room.

“What the fuck is this?” He asked as he thrust the cloak out towards the ginger man.

Ron leant forward and looked at the cloth. Neville watched as his face went from curious to confused to horrified. He smirked in amusement, Ron always did have such an expressive face.

“Eurgh, Harry. That’s disgusting mate!” He said as he leant away from the cloak. “If you needed to do that, why didn’t you just do it in the shower. Or at least clean up after yourself?”

“It wasn’t me! This isn’t mine!” Harry shouted as he gestured to the stain.

“Well if it wasn’t you then who was it?”

Harry crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at Ron accusingly.

“You don’t think I-? Mate, Come on! I wouldn’t do that!”

“Then who did? There are only a handful of people that know I have this and where I keep it. If it wasn’t you, who was it?” They both looked at Neville.

“Oh no, not me!” Neville said nervously as they both closed in towards him.

“It’s true, Neville wouldn’t take it without asking,” Harry said as he turned away.

“What about Dean or Seamus?” Ron asked as he pointed to the empty beds. Harry shook his head.

“I don’t think either of them know I have it.”

“Who does that leave?” Ron asked.

Neville watched as they both looked at each other with a horrified glance.

“Hermione.”

“You ask her.” Ron insisted as he stepped away from him.

“I can’t ask her that! You ask her, you’ve been with her!”

“We kissed! Once! That’s hardly -“ Ron waved his hand at the cloak dramatically. “- the same as jizzing all over your cloak.”

Harry let out a sigh and shook his head. “I cannot believe I am doing this!” He muttered as he walked to the door of the dorm.

“Hermione? Can you come up here for a second please?” He asked nicely as they waited.

Neville closed his books. There was no way that he was going to miss this in favour of trying to brew some random and useless potion; he’d most likely mess up anyway. 

His eyes met Harry’s and then Ron’s as they waited for the witch to arrive.

A knock sounded at the door before Ron pulled the door open. Hermione looked around for Harry before stopping in the doorway.

“What’s wrong, Harry? I’m in the middle of my Charms conclusion.” Hermione spotted Neville, and she smiled. “Hi, Nev,”

He smiled and waved back as he put his books away.

“Hermione? I just took my cloak out of my trunk,”

“Oh, yes?” She asked. Neville watched as the blush started to creep up her neck.

“Yeah, and When I went to put it on I put my hand in something,”

“Oh? Didn’t you wash it the last time you used it?”

“I did as a matter of fact. Which reminds me, I haven’t used it since the house-elves returned it to me. However, I have put my hand in something which looks remarkably like semen.” He said calmly.

Hermione’s cheeks were now blazing from where he was sitting.

“Would you happen to know how it got there?” Harry asked carefully.

“Why would I know that?” She asked nervously.

“Well, Ron and Neville say it wasn’t them, so that really only leaves you,” Harry added with a cringe.

"I didn’t do anything,” She said unconvincingly. Neville watched as she squirmed under their scrutiny.

“What did you do Hermione?” Ron added as he climbed on the bed in front of her.

Hermione sighed, knowing that the jig was up. She put her hands out to placate them as she tried to explain.

“I didn’t know he did that and I will have words. However, you have got to promise me that you won't get angry.” She said, her tone high and quick.

“What did you do, Hermione?” Harry added as he stepped forwards.

“I borrowed your cloak and met someone.” She said as she stepped back, flattening herself against the dorm door.

“And then what?” Harry asked. Neville watched as he swallowed as if he was trying to keep his temper under control.

“We messed around and did stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“We played ‘hide the basilisk,” She cringed and closed her eyes as she confessed.

“Hide the basilisk?” Ron burst out with a giggle before shutting up as Harry glared at him.

“So you stole my cloak, met up with a guy and then proceeded to get laid, in my father's cloak? Is that about right?”

Hermione nodded and winced. 

“And then, This mystery guy decided to cover my cloak in jizz?”

“I didn’t know!” She protested.

Harry took a deep breath as he squeezed the bridge of his nose, pushing his glasses down as he did so.

“Who was it, Hermione?”

“It doesn’t matter.” She said as she looked at Harry cautiously.

“Mione!” Harry warned.

“You promised you wouldn’t get mad, remember?”

“Hermione Jean Granger, you tell me who jizzed on my cloak, right now or I will rub your nose in this mess so that you know not to do it again.”

Neville didn’t know why he wasn’t laughing yet. He couldn’t wait to tell Dean and Seamus.

“It was…” She muttered a name under her breath.

“Mione, Just tell us,” Ron said

“Alright, alright. It was Malfoy.”

The room froze as the words hung in the air. Neville really couldn’t wait for Seamus and Dean to return now.

“Draco Malfoy?” Harry whispered.

“You said you wouldn’t get mad!” Hermione added.

Harry placed his cloak on the bed carefully before walking past them all. Then silently disappearing through the door to the bathroom.

Ron looked at Neville before they both looked at Hermione.

“I did a really stupid thing, didn’t I?”

Ron was about to answer when curses started flying through the closed door of the bathroom.

“Fucking Malfoy! Draco Fucking Malfoy jizzed on my invisibility cloak! Draco Fucking Malfoy! Bet he bloody well did it on purpose! Voldemort? If you are listening, come and kill me now, I’m good to go!”

Hermione grimaced as Neville bit his lip to trap the giggle wanting to rush up his throat.

“Mione, seriously. Forget the Basilisk, You should have hidden yourself, the ferret and the cloak up there, Honestly woman! You call yourself his friend?” Ron shook his head in disgust as he pushed into the bathroom.

“Harry? It’s Ron. Don’t worry, the bad lady has gone, and she’s taken your cloak to be cleaned.”

“I wish I could just disappear! But oh, wait! I can’t because it’s covered in fucking ferret jizz! I’m never wearing that thing ever again!” Harry swore as the door closed. "I touched it, Ron!" He cried desperately. 

Neville watched as Hermione carefully took the cloak and disappeared out of the room, a grimace plastered to her face.

Neville looked around the quiet room cheerfully.

“Least it wasn’t me this time.” He muttered as he opened up his books again.


End file.
